I Can’t See any Future Vision of Myself

I’m a man of many dreams and ambitions, yet somehow I’m absolutely clueless to where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing in the years to come. This genuinely scares me. However, it’s a very exciting thought that opens up the idea that anything can happen and at anytime. Since my future hasn’t already been fully determined, it’s up to me right now (the present Frank) to shape my own destiny, and take my life in whatever direction I see fit – at the cost of time, money, effort and motivation, of which I only have time. I’m currently working to obtain the other three.

Since leaving school at the age of seventeen, any hopes or dreams of progressing onto further education in a soggy pursuit of wealth and fame was expeditiously eliminated. I left school having failed every single exam in the last year due to an unforeseen interest in the opposite sex and ended up studying low-level engineering in a college department down at an old World War Two dockyard. Believe it or not, I failed that too, but it wasn’t by virtue of girls…trust me on that one. Currently, and by some miracle, I’m a chef at an Italian restaurant cooking all sorts of pastas, pizzas and breaded mozzarella dippers. I never aspired to be a chef, but after applying to become part of the bar team at TGI Friday’s in Edinburgh, I was offered a job as a line chef in the kitchen. To this day, I have no idea if obtaining that job was a crude mistake or just some form of sick joke designed to make me struggle at life even more than I currently did. Either way, I got my foot in the door and I’m now working as a chef at a bog standard Italian restaurant. Even just a year ago, the thought of being a chef would have caused a caused my head to shake in chronic disbelief. Yet, here I am, rolling pizza dough ‘n’ trying to not to plateau – like a mad boss.

This proves my point though, anything can happen and it can happen fast. Who knows where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing in 2015. I could be a metropolitan traffic warden in Peru or a sandbox supervisor in Denmark, the possibilities seem endless. There’s probably a higher chance that I’ll end up fucking up the job that I currently have and become unemployed and poor, following a common past tradition.

I have an unrelenting appetite for ambition. For one, I’m  inexorably desperate to travel. I’ve never been out of Scotland and therefore longing to go on life-changing adventures in countries that I’ve never set foot in before. More specifically, I am very keen to ascend the Great Wall of China. But not the seductively refurbished tourist ridden parts. The real adventures lay within the derelict sections of the wall where one slip or trip would result in plunging face first into a grimace of ancient rock. All I need is £5000, a toothbrush and a camera that doesn’t resemble the video capabilities of a broken toaster.

I also possess this unwavering desire to get rich, and maybe famous. I’m always thinking about money, and can never have enough of it. This is likely the reason why I used to gamble so much (I don’t now because I have nothing to gamble with). I’m constantly finding new methods of making money. Last year, while jobless, I set up a an affiliate marketing account online and started generating £150 a week with only two assets: time, and a half-broken netbook with a painfully limited CPU speed. It’s the little things in life that make me happy, but if I was rich, oh ya bandit, would I make a life for me and others around me. Fame isn’t such an essential to me but it’s not something I’d complain about if I had it.

People at my work don’t believe me when I tell them that one of my ultimate dreams in life is to wield the pen as a writer. I suppose it is quite ironic that while I hold down one of the most hands-on jobs positions on the planet, I yearn to do a job that ultimately uses 100% brain power and very minimal muscle power. I’ve always thought of myself as preferring physical work over work that exclusively involves the mind, which was certainly reflected in my school years, but after struggling as a chef for a few months, I’ve quickly realised that my brain is a lot more athletic than my arms and hands! Let’s just say that being a chef has certainly been a convincing learning curve for me, and not something I feel I could locate success and passion in.

With all of these chimeras floating around fantastically in my head, there doesn’t seem to be an strikingly obvious avenue for me to walk down that will lead me to any of these dreams. I have very little money, terrible spending habits and only enough qualifications to weasel my way into another stuffy college. I understand that if a person is to convert a life ambition into a reality then there are a cascade of challenges to be overcome, and many sacrifices to be made – it requires a maelstrom of time, money and effort.

I’m still thriving to obtain all three of these life essentials before embarking on my mission to become rich by writing the first ever novel on top of the Great Wall of China. But until then, it’s life in the kitchen for me.


5 thoughts on “I Can’t See any Future Vision of Myself

  1. Ann Koplow November 28, 2014 / 3:22 pm

    Frank, I have lots of thoughts after reading your post. (1) I love Edinburgh (I live in the USA). (2) My boyfriend Michael did not graduate high school and was a cook for many years. (3) We are all clueless, ultimately, about what the future holds (although we can learn from the past and the present). I am so glad to join you in the kitchen today (no matter where your next stop is).


    • tragiclifeoffrank November 29, 2014 / 12:30 pm

      Hi Ann,

      Edinburgh is a fantastic city. I worked there for a couple of months and I can honestly say there’s nothing like it. Although, if I lived in the states I’d probably prefer New York or Chicago! I am so glad that someone can relate to what I think about sometimes, I’m glad too!


  2. Heartafire December 2, 2014 / 3:39 pm

    First off, I love the title of your blog. You are super smart…it drew me right in. Secondly, your writing is awesome. Third…I think you are going places, let me know.


    • tragiclifeoffrank December 2, 2014 / 4:14 pm

      Thanks! I was actually thinking about changing it because I thought it was bland, but thanks, it’s sticking! Thank you so much for that injection of confidence. I had a look at your latest poem and the literature is honestly phenomenal. Consumerism actually makes me sick and I plan on spending Christmas the exact same away as you this year.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Julie enjoys life March 9, 2015 / 9:41 pm

    Travelling sounds great, I really love visiting different people, different cultures and countrys. So as you may have noticed by my bad writing I’m not from an english speaking country, but you’re welcome to visit Germany if you want. So which places would you visit if money and time wouldn’t be a proplem?


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