I’m Fairly Sure My Best Friend is a Killer – THE HEIST

Check out the previous story to find out more about Jimmy as a character: (http://bit.ly/1vvLrXz)

This is a series of true tales eliciting the life of my best friend Jimmy, who generally makes a lot of poor decisions. You could very likely find far more twisted and thrilling tales fabricated into a half-priced crime book on eBay, but the purpose of these tales are not to revoke emotions of pure shock and inspiration, but to convey the literal truth about events that genuinely happen on the streets of modern society on an everyday basis.

A few days ago, I received a rather outlandish call from my best friend Jimmy, which began with him concealing something he had done in a state of desperado, begging me not to judge him for the outrageously farcical decision he had just committed to making only an hour before. All I could do was listen, and pray that what he was about to tell me wouldn’t turn out to be as dreadful as my how imagination was playing it up to be.

After making dozens of promises to Jimmy that no judgement would be inflicted upon him when he eventually unveiled what horrific deeds he had just embedded into his life story, the drama finally began to ooze out of his mouth. A spontaneous failed armed robbery with very lilliputian planning had just taken place, implemented by Jimmy and his unknown accomplice, whom I know nothing about. Upon listening to the tale slowly begin to slip through the phone, the first wave of emotion that hit me was the unrestricted shock and awe knowing that my best friend had just undeniably devoted himself to something that could easily have resulted in arrest or even death for him and his friend.

Armed crudely with a large screwdriver, Jimmy went on to inform me that his attempt at stealing over £4000 worth of marijuana from a 25-year-old man’s flat had failed when they discovered that the front door of the man’s house was locked. “I told my mate that we could just have come back later when the door was open but he wouldn’t listen and the man barricaded up the door so we couldn’t get in!!!” Jimmy cursed in an embittered tone. We just had to abort mission and run for it!, he yelped in fury. I tried my absolute best to be as supportive as possible towards him without condoning the idea that robbery is a brave and prideful dance. Yeah mate, but you shouldn’t have done it, stupid idea! What if you had been caught?, I warned. I dunno, there’s still a chance that I will, he said. It just depends if any of the neighbours called the police or if screw driver is found in the trash, continued Jimmy, still beaming with vibes of frustration and anxiety. I continued to ask him a question that I quite blatantly knew the answer to, what inspired him to do it. Hardly expecting him to say Derren Brown or Prison Break, he responded in a flash telling me that it was “obviously all for the weed”, that acquiring such a bountiful amount of the green would somehow make his life near enough perfect for a prolonged amount of time. At this moment in time, although I knew what he’d attempted wasn’t the brightest of ideas he had ever came up with in his life, I more or less selfishly began to envision the dreamy green sea of happiness that we might have shared if he had been successful in his actions. I hardly thought that could ever have been possible though.

As the conversation proceeded on, I figured out that the game plan for him and his associate was to locate the man’s house, gain access to the house by either walking through the open door or by stepping past the unfortunate weed grower as he came to the door for an unexpected mail delivery – pain. In a hasty operation, they would then snip as many plants as they possibly could and then leave with the organic goods stuffed in a plastic bag. I put it to him that there could easily have been resistance and that he could have ended up seriously injured or killed, but Jimmy scoffed at the advice saying that if the man had tried anything, he would easily have just been smashed or slashed. It’s not like he was a hard c#nt or anything, I know the guy and he’s just a wee p#ssy!, Jimmy proclaimed. Will he not come after you?, I asked nervously. Eh naw, he doesn’t know who I am and even if he does find out then he knows exactly what will happen to him if he comes to my door, Jimmy declared. What would you do?, I inquired. Just stab him in the chest and slit his throat, Jimmy asserted. I’m not having strangers turning up at my gran’s house, that would put them in danger and I can’t have that, he added. In conflict with myself about whether or not what he had just said would actually hold true to his actions, I proceeded to ask him if he regrets what he had just done. To put it bluntly, he said yes.

The only thing that concerned him after the aborted robbery, was the fact that they could easily have been busted for what they’d done and have nothing to show for it. They had literally risked their lives and received no award for it, not a gram of weed or penny. The only way Jimmy could possibly get caught at this stage (four days after) is if the screwdriver that he was carrying on him at the time was discovered in the bin that he cunningly dumped it in upon leaving the scene of the heist, which is smothered in sweaty fingerprints and evidence. But it’s not just the law that Jimmy needs to be concerned about, it’s the man he attempted to rob and his associates that puts him in a much more dangerous place.

On a lighter note, this has definitely got to go down as one of the most hilariously awful robbery attempts in history. It literally must have only lasted for thirty seconds before they were frantically sprinting down the streets empty-handed. It’s not even as if they couldn’t have seen that coming, of course the door is going to be locked if the man is growing £4000 worth of illegal goods in his house. Perhaps a more reasonable excuse for a failed heist would be that the resident was armed with a shotgun, or that the police unexpectedly showed up. But no, the front door was locked, disabling the mission absolutely.

From a moral stand point, Jimmy justified his actions by saying that the man was a criminal, and therefore deserved to be robbed. I suppose, the man is growing and selling weed illegally without paying any tax contributions towards society, but, I’m not sure if what Jimmy did really puts him at a higher prestige. I mean after all, what Jimmy committed to doing puts him on exactly the same pirates boat as the man whose house he attempted to invade, as a criminal. Aye, but I don’t just go around stealing from the old or innocent, it’s just criminals or people who deserve it, he certified, defending his case. I took this with a pinch of salt as the phone conversation began to elude into a pointless debate over whether or not what he did was justifiable. To conclude, Jimmy is my best friend, and I can only stand by the choices he makes. I can only hope that this a learning curve that will prevent such irresponsible acts of stupidity from occurring the future.


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