Six Things that Make Me an Investment to Girls

I really don’t want anyone to read that title and assume that I’m some sort of sex-trafficked whore that’s been imported to Central Asia on a barge run by a group of bearded women – although that does sound a lot more exciting than what my actual life entails. The title stems from a thought I had while walking in the woods a few weeks ago with my dog; the best time to unravel my eccentric thoughts. It began with the familiar thought that I’m not very attractive. However, to perk myself up from the demoralising thought of not being attractive, I began to comfort myself with the thought that I CAN and WILL be more attractive in the future. Megan Fox wasn’t a supermodel in her teenage years, was she?

I’ve got a number of attractivity-enhancing items attached to my body and ego that will help me with my quest to become the next Brad Pitt:

1. Braces

I’ll be wearing these until I’m at least twenty, but the investment of straight teeth is a valuable one in my pursuit of global woman domination.


2. Facial Hair

I need some of this, but it’s difficult when you have a face that resembles the softness of a baby’s arse. With the way things are going, I should have at least one patch of bum-fluff to shave off with pride by the time I’m twenty.


3. Money

Hopefully I won’t still be asking my mum for cigarettes by the time I reach my twenties. Money makes the world go round, and it prevents the embarrassment of asking a girl to buy you a drink because you spent all of your money on getting to the pub.


4. Career

I want to be an astronaut, but I’ll settle for coffee boy for junior customer service advisor’s assistant’s apprentice if the money is right.


5. Maturity

This is a key investment for any girl that attaches themself emotionally to a guy. I still laugh at the planet Uranus and I don’t think I’ll be able to accept it as just another planet in our solar system until I’m at least twenty-one.


6. Fitness

By the time I reach twenty-one, I want to be at least eighty-five kilograms of muscle steel and sex appeal.


I seem to magentise the odd attractive girl from time to time and I’m convinced that it can’t be because of my current affairs or appearance. Girls must surely see me as some sort of manly investment. I may not hard to get in with right now, but by the time I hit twenty-one, I should be a mature, wealthy, enterprising philanthropist with a dainty beard and an uncanny smile that only Zac Efron will be able to compete with. Walking in the woods is dangerous thinking time…


6 thoughts on “Six Things that Make Me an Investment to Girls

  1. JamilaJJ March 9, 2015 / 6:46 pm

    Great post, man. The bit about the career was funny 🙂 I don’t think I’ll be able to get over the name of the planet Uranus till I’m 300…


  2. Julie enjoys life March 9, 2015 / 8:54 pm

    Just to ask so how old are you? You’re always talking about what you wanna do or have in your twentys. It’s an quiet honest post you did. But could muscles and a beard really get a girl’s attention. I mean maybe on the first sight, but maybe some girls are even more attracted to the inner side of a boy. I’d definitely prefer the smart ones who care less about muscles and a beard but whom I can have fun with, whom I can have crazy argumentations about politics, writing, literature or just other things most people in their teenage years aren’t interested in. So think about it, cause I think you’re one of the smart ones, and there are girls out there just looking for the type of guy you are. Sure you’ll change trough the years but remember to stay true to yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ankur Mithal March 10, 2015 / 9:12 am

    Well begun is half done, they say. If you’ve got those braces, you just need to worry about the rest 50% now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Frank Dynamite March 10, 2015 / 9:27 am

      Exactly, the easy part is almost there, now it’s just the hard bits…


  4. Ned's Blog March 16, 2015 / 12:34 pm

    I’m 48 and told my son “Uranus is on the dark side of the moon” yesterday. So yeah, age isn’t necessarily a sign of maturity. Then again, I’m told I don’t look 48 — probably because I still laugh at thngs like that. Don’t ever stop! Funny stuff, by the way. It brought back memories. From what I remember, anyway…


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